Chronicles of the Country Bumpkin

Chronicles of the Country Bumpkin
 * -''by Kharlyn

((Short snapshots of Khary's experiences in Stormwind))

Day 1
Me first day ventur'n ta Stormwind was more 'n I thought it coulda been. Folk 'ere are da strangest sorts. I was just sitt'n 'ere at dat Laugh'n Jester Tavern mind'n me own business, 'n dis lady comes ta me and says I be sitt'n 'n 'er chair. I likes da chair I be sitt'n on, 'n didna wanta leave it. She gots all mad when I tolds 'er it ain't got 'er names on it, so it be free fer anyones ta sit on. I knows I ain't "proper" 'n da likes, but fair's fair. She started up all sorts 'o ruckus say'n she be own'n dis 'n dat, sumth'n bout "mage-is-straits", I didna catch most 'o 'er yapp'n. I didna wanta 'ear it so I just drinks me stout 'n just smiled at 'er. She got 'er panties wound too tight iff'n ya ask me.

Day 2
Me next day was even stranger. 'n fact, I met me first lady 'n lady lovers. One o' em even introduc'n 'erself as Dasri. Yeah, I swears on the lights itself. I could'na believes it meself, untils I saw it wid me own eyes! Dey be 'old'n 'ands 'n sorts all speak'n nice ta each other too! One of 'em be tell'n me it's "fashion-er-able" ta do so. Woo-wee, I tells ya, 'em folks 'ere be consider'n it normals ta go 'bouts like dat. Dey went on yapp'n 'bouts lov'n 'n wut not, but I didna wants ta 'ear it so I just be smil'n at em. I was a bit tipsy cuz ole fancy pants fella I just met gave me 'o bit 'o 'is bourbon 'n. I 'memba he be talk'n much 'bout "class" 'n wut not. I just smiled politely at 'im cuz 'e did gimme some 'o 'is drink. 'n den dis lady wid short silver 'air runs inta me. I told 'er I ain't interested 'n lady 'n lady romanc'n. She be look'n likes she want'n ta kiss me, I told 'er "no" likes a good gurl. She didna seem ta likes da answer 'n ran off. I tells ya, it must be sumth'n 'n da water 'ere.

Day 3
Day afta, things be start'n ta settle 'n fer me. Cept for dese dang folk keep runn'n inta me, one 'o em be introduc'n 'imself as Creel. Least 'e didna yell at me, like 'em other folks. I tells 'im it's me new sandals, it 'ard ta walk 'n. I shows 'im da sandals 'n it went fly'n. Least dis time it ain't 'it no ones. I asks 'im why 'e be dress'n all fancy like 'em ladies 'n he be laugh'n at me. 'e said it be "fasion-er-able" iff'n yer gots da coin. I says ta 'im dat I didna think yer coulda buy a lady wid 'em coins, 'n 'sides, I didna wanta be "fashion-er-able" iff'n I 'ad to 'ave a lady lover. I says goodbye ta 'im 'n 'ops off ta gets me sandal. 'n I fergots ta ask 'im why 'is lady friend kept giggl'n. 'n fact, why dem ladies always be giggl'n? Dey be cover'n der mouths, its like ta keep der laugh'n insides. It ain't 'ealthy, I should be teach'n em 'ow ta laugh, cuz I sure laughs pretty darn loud.

'n dat even'n ain't no ones at da Jesters so I decides to find me a quiet place fer snack. I love me some good fruit jam, likes da kind I used ta get from me neighbor lady. Boy, I still can taste at moonberra jam, I sures made a mess of meself 'n afta dat I ran inta a lady I be recogniz'n. Last I saw 'er she be'n carried out by a 'andsome fella named Alopex. 'n 'ere she was, wid another fella! I asks 'er why she be talk'n ta 'im when she be all cozy like wid dat Alopex fella? I says is it like some "fashion-er-able" thing I didna know 'bouts ta be lov'n more 'n one fella? 'n dat smarty pants fella tells me, they just be talk'n cuz I didna get much what she be say'n. She talks all funny like, 'n smarty pants tells me its cuz she gots 'n accent 'o sorts. Smarty pants be say'n 'is name's Dominik 'n dat dey be talk'n 'n dere ain't no touch'n 'n da lady Sonnakai be 'n love wid dat Alopex. I asks 'im iff'n dere ain't no touch'n 'n dey be just talk'n, den iff'n dey be touch'n 'n ain't talk'n woulda it be any different? 'e says ta me, sometimes. Afta dat, I just got even more confused 'n just smiled at dem 'n left. Dat was da most I be listen'n since I gots 'ere. Dem folks 'ere in Stormwind sure are confus'n.

Day 4
Today I's just be walk'n mind'n me own business 'n I saw dis furry creature. 'n it talks ta me, Woo-Wee! Nearly jumped outta me own skin. Den, dis 'ere fella sneezed 'n lit up da street wid fire. I didna realize dat furry thing wid nutt'n but a strap round 'is waist wasna talk'n or sneez'n. Turns out the fella 'n a fancy mask do'n da talk'n 'n da other fella be do'n da sneez'n. Sneezo kept giv'n me looks, kinna like gasp'n 'n wutnot bouts wuts I be say'n. 'N evera time 'e be sneez'n ole Sneezo be a shoot'n fire or ice 'o sorts. I asks 'im, "Wutcher be sneez'n all da time for?" Cuz yer know it ain't all safe ta be shoot'n no fire or ice on no ones. 'e be say'n its 'is allergies. I aims ta fix it so, I 'eld on ta 'is nose. 'n da fella gets 'is pantie tied up 'n knots, 'e be disappear'n 'n 'efore I knows it, I turns inta a SHEEP!! Crawl'n round on me four legs, 'n nutt'n com'n outta me mouth but a "baaah". Boy, I ain't been angra at no stranga in a long times, 'n afta 'e be chang'n me back to meself, I 'urled a big ole punch at 'im. Serves 'im right fer mak'n folks inta sheeps. Den dat ole masky fella 'splain'n ta 'im dat I only was try'n ta 'elp 'n we made up all nice. Sneezo, 'e ain't 'alf bad..oh yeah, Sneezo's name be Jed. I likes 'im, 'sides 'im turn'n me inta a sheep. Mebbe 'e'll teach me 'is allergies 'n 'ow ta sneeze 'n shoot fire.

Afta 'e left I turns me attentions ta a lady friend 'o mine, Sonnakai. She be look'n all lost 'n stand'n too close ta da masky fella. I canna blame 'er, 'is mask was pretty look'n, but 'is voice kinna be sound'n all funny likes. I asks Sonnakai if she be think'n 'o touch'n 'im since she be stand'n so close ta 'im. I keeps think'n bouts wut ole smarty pants Dominik be say'n 'n I still canna figures it out. Iff'n yer talk'n 'n ain't touch'n...den yer just friends. 'n Iff'n yer touch'n 'n ain't talk'n den yer more den dat...but only sometimes, times yer even touch'n 'n talk'n...*furrows her brows in confusion shaking her head* ARgg...well now where was I..oh yeah! So, I says to Sonnakai fer 'er to speak all slow 'n da likes so I be understand'n wut she be say'n. 'er accents be confus'n me most da times, but I listen real good dis time 'n even be gett'n 'alf 'o wut she be say'n. Da masky guy be tell'n us dat 'e be putt'n on a show fer all 'o Stormwind ta see 'n be dedicat'n it ta me 'n Sonnakai! 'e musta been some sort 'o magician, boy I canna wait ta see wut 'e gonna be do'n.

I be gett'n meself all thirsy 'n da likes so I heads ta da Jesters fer a drink 'n den dis other fancy face fella be runn'n inta me. I means 'e just stand'n by da mailbox 'n fell inta me, even broke me new sandals too! Den dis 'ere strange elfy man be inta-rupt'n us talk'n all sorts 'bout water. Sumth'n bout water drinkas 'n bouts da water 'n Stormwind. So I be dump'n me water out, justa be on da safe side. 'e be look'n likes 'e be drink'n some crazy water cuz 'e couldna stand still, kept jump'n 'n yapp'n bouts waters. So den I be intra-duc'n meself to da fancy face fella, 'is names Baydon. I tells 'im bouts me excit'n news. 'ow dis magician man nam'n 'imself "Ace 'o Diamonds" be dedicat'n 'is show ta me. Do'n some sorta trick fer all 'o Stormwind ta see! 'n dis Baydon fella, 'e be talk'n all 'n circles confus'n me. 'e says, "It's terribly intra-st'n." I asks 'im 'ow sumth'n coulda been intra'st'n 'n be terribles ats da same time. I says terribles ain't da kinna word ya be us'n ta describes sumth'n good. 'e goes on say'n 'ow sometimes sumth'ns so good, it makes it terrible. I still dunna get 'is say'n 'n be s'cus'n meself ta get some shut eyes. Dese 'ere folks 'n Stormwind, I suspect'n dat ole crazy jumpy elf be right. Dey be drink'n some of dat funny ole water.

Day 5
I wokes ta sumth'n scratch'n me sides, it be jabb'n me all sorts 'n mak'n me uncomfy and I checks me pockets ta finda note. I dunno 'ow it gots dere but it's good news ta me, I've been struggl'n ta scrounge up some moneys fer food 'n da past few days. 'n dat note be say'n ta look fer a fella by da name o' Theodel. I dunno who dis Theodel fella is be s'long as 'e pays me well, I be glad ta take any ole job. I went on bout me business all normal likes wander'n round town. I sees dat 'andsome fella again, dat ole Alopex. 'e cuter 'n a baby piglet 'n smells all fancy likes. 'e kinna made me mad sniff'n me 'n all, I pretended not ta know, but I be know'n. I suppose I be ripe 'nuff fer a bath, but I barely gots 'nuff ta eats. Dem Stormwind fellas, guess dey be used ta finer ladies like dat Sonnakai.

I waited til late 'n 'eaded fer dat dere dwarv'n district fer dat fella Theodel. 'e looked pretty normal 'n not so fancy likes dem other fellas I sees 'n town. 'e took me ta a axe shop 'n town. Woo-wee! Dem axes be finer 'n anyth'n I sees 'n me life. I didna pay much attentions ta 'im, ya sees I was too busy admir'n dem blades on dat big ole axe. I took meself a few test swings 'n knocked ova a few things. Dat dwarf fella didna look too pleased, 'specially when I gots dat big ole blade stuck 'n dat wall. Theodel went on jabber'n bout some gold stuff 'n at mace shop 'n what not. Seems easy enuff, scar'n up folks fer moneys, 'n ya never woulda guessed it, dat Theodel fella...'e gave me dat axe! 'n I even gave 'er a name, RUTHY! I spent da night carv'n 'er name 'n da 'andle.

Day 6: The Job

I spent da morn'n practic'n a menac'n ole face 'n da mirror. I gots ta look mean 'n nasty ta scare up dat poor fella at dat mace shop. I strolls up ta dat shop wid me Ruthy 'n tow 'n me scary face on. I was look'n mighty fierce whens I be growl'n at da keeper's assistant. *Khary's face is scrunched up, baring her teeth with her hands in a claw like motion with a huge axe on her back.*

Khary growls, "Grrr..where's dat owner 'o yours?!" The assistant replies half choking with laughter, "Wh..Wh..What do you need him for?" Her face still in a ridiculous scowl snarls, "I gots da business wid 'im bouts moneys 'e be ow'n." The assistant's face goes slightly pale, "Uh..hold one just one moment while I fetch him." The assistant scanters off and loud whispering could be heard in the background. Khary rubs her face, because keeping that mean look was hard to do, she finds it a wonderful opportunity to practice with Ruthy. She spits on her hands rubbing it and unhoists Ruth off her back. Khary takes a large swing, neatly taking off the handles of a few maces in the shop. She hardly seems to notice and continues whacking into the air,

Khary over swings and loses her balance tip tip tipping on her one foot as she crashes into a display of the latest models in maces. "Oops!"

Unphased she stands up and dusts herself off continuing to swing wildly in the air, afterall Ruthy was heavy and she had to get used to her eventually, what better time than the present? The shop owner clamours from the back with the assistant following closely behind, "What is all this ruckus?"

Startled mid swing Khary's hand slips off of Ruthy's wooden handle as Ruthy flies head first at the shopkeeper. Ruthy breezes by the owner neatly slicing off a few strands of his hair before wedging herself into the wall. She scratches her head grinning, "Least I didna 'it ya!"

The owner's face pale and strickened with fear, his hands shaking uncontrollably unhooks his coin sack tossing it at Khary, "Tttake it..Tttttake it all!"

Khary catches it and walks over to the shop keeper tugging Ruthy off the wall, she leans on Ruthy's wooden handle and dumps the coins on the counter counting out ten. She slides all but eight coins into her coin purse, tucks two into her pocket and leaves the rest on the counter. Khary taps the counter a few times and hoists Ruthy on her shoulder, "Pleasure do'n business wid ya."

Day 7: Getting Ready
Khary scrunches up her face gawking at herself in the mirror. She lifts up her arms as soft silken black fabric draps down, she starts flapping her arms like a bird. "I just dunna why dem ladies wants ta be look'n like dis. Ain't practical at all."

She lifts up the skirt of her dress beaming at her crudely assembled mail leggings. "Least I can 'ide me legg'ns undaneath dis part."

She examines her raw hands in amazement and runs all ten fingers through her hair. She gathers them around her face and takes a deep whiff, then shakes out her hair again. . "Woo wee I be smell'n good! "

Smiling stupidly in the mirror and ready for the ball she takes a confident step outside the inn, catching the hem of her skirt and falling face first into the street cursing loudly.

Day 7, Part 2: The Ball
I's neva be see'n so many folks 'n dere finest crammed up 'n a place like dat befores. Dey be lots 'o chatter'n, but I aims ta be try'n dis thing. It ain't look 'alf bad 'n I did take a bath fer it.

Dey 'ad lights all string up 'n da ceil'n 'n boy dere were lots of fancy lil bits 'o food. I's managed ta stuff me face 'n even stowed some away 'n me pockets fer later. I be ask'n some fella, "'ows dis supposed ta be feed'n folks?" 'e didna look too 'appy when I gots a bit 'o food on 'im. I tries ta be wip'n it off, but 'e just ran off.

I's be sitt'n by meself fer a bit since Alopex 'n Lady Sonnakai got stuck yapp'n wid other folks, so deys be at da end 'o da line. I be sitt'n wait'n fer dat fella on da paper dey gave me. Den dis ole fella strolled up ta me. 'e seemed nice, says 'is name be Veras. 'e be talk'n kinna funny sumth'n bout sheeps 'n flocks...mebbe 'e was some sort 'o farmer? Naw, 'e be look'n likes 'e neva done no 'ard work 'n 'is life! Anaways, 'e took me 'and 'n drug me out to da floor. 'e puts me hand's 'n funny positions 'n start'd walk'n ta da beat 'n some sort 'o silly dance. 'e says it be called dat WHA-UL-TS. 'e kept smil'n, s'like 'es some kinna crook 'id'n sumth'n. I didna put too much 'o think'n inta it cuz boy it sure was 'ard keep'n up wid 'im. 'ow 'n old fella be danc'n likes dat beats me. 'e spun me round fer loops 'n even tipped me ova! Boy sure was excit'n! 'n once I gots me foot'n...well..once I's stop stepp'n on 'is feet, I be twirl'n 'im round too! Afta dat, nutt'n much else 'appened. Da fella on da paper neva showed 'n dey be putt'n me wid another one. 'e didna say much ta me, I suppos'n 'e had sumth'n wrong wid 'im. Mebbe 'is momma dropped 'im on 'is head too much? I dunno, I didna stay long 'nuff ta be ask'n. 'n dat was me first ball. It ain't as fun as I was 'op'n, but least I gots dis 'ere dress, me first one!